Eldest Black Daughter Syndrome
Today I thought I'd come on here and talk about a topic that has just been coming up a lot for me in my therapy sessions. For anyone out there who is the eldest daughter, specifically of a single-parent household, but the eldest daughter, this post is for you.
I'm going to talk about my experience with “Eldest Black daughter syndrome” and some ways that those of you experiencing it can begin to set boundaries and protect your peace from standards that have been solidified by your family members.
"Eldest Black daughter syndrome" refers to the unique set of challenges and responsibilities often experienced by the eldest daughters in Black families. While not a clinical diagnosis, the term is used to describe the social and familial dynamics that eldest Black daughters may encounter, which can impact their upbringing, identity development, and well-being.
While Eldest Daughter Syndrome is a phenomenon that has existed since the beginning of family structures in a variety of cultures, this phenomenon has specifically impacted the lives of Black eldest daughters, dating back to the historical origins of slavery. One specific stereotype, the Mammy stereotype, had a profound impact on how Black women were perceived and treated in American society. By depicting Black women as selfless caregivers and nurturers, the Mammy stereotype reinforced notions of Black inferiority and subservience while erasing the humanity and autonomy of Black women. This stereotype, unfortunately, has permeated into modern views and treatments of Black women.
As the eldest daughter of a single father and brother, I found myself falling captive to the eldest daughter syndrome. While expectations were never overtly placed on me, as I began to get older, I noticed how I adopted new responsibilities and, as a result, anxieties that many of my white female friends had not experienced. Whether it was making sure that my younger brother was finishing his homework on time or organizing for a cleaner to come because I was unable to continue with upkeep in the house or being the hostess when family members came to visit, these experiences that were commonplace for me that I didn’t know life beyond that. Especially having to having adopted the maternal role in my household at such a young age, I often felt isolated from my other female friends, who didn't have to go home early to help their dad figure things out around the house, or who didn't have to explain documents such as FAFSA forms and SAT prep that all of these other mothers and fathers had been accustomed to and were proposing for their kids, rather than vice versa.
“When a maternal figure isn’t present (for whatever reason), eldest daughters are expected to take this role on, without complaints, and must persevere. Black girls are effectively expected to abandon their childhood to take on more adult roles within the family, but not so much that they are seen as adults. With this notion being so ingrained in eldest daughters, especially Black eldest daughters, we slowly start to see the erasure of their lives and identities which have been tied to servitude”
The mental load that I experienced and continue to experience to this day is a consequence of the societal norms that have been placed on Black girls, and this ties into the theme of parentification. Parentification of Black women is an idea that has dictated so many Black women's lives. we see how Black girls are depicted in media as older and more mature. In reality, they're often young girls experiencing girlhood at the same time as their white counterparts. The trauma that comes with the parentification and adultification of Black women permeates into Black women's relationships with friends, family, and lovers.
Speaking from experience, Black women are socialized to be caretakers and prioritize other people's needs first, which often leads to struggling with mental health issues in silence. Some of those health issues include chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels, which put Black women at risk for cardiac disease, diabetes, obesity, Alzheimer's, or other chronic illnesses. From a mental health perspective, having elevated cortisol levels as a result of a heightened “fight or flight” state of being often leads to an increased likelihood of anxiety, depression, or OCD. Simply put, being forced into this type of environment is detrimental to Black women’s physical and emotional well-being, and it is important to protect ourselves from a society that views Black women as vessels for emotional and manual labor.
If I can provide any advice to any Black woman out there who feels as though some of these words resonate with them, I would say
It is okay to be scared to set boundaries.
It is okay to feel guilty for having a loud yourself to be socialized and treated this way. 3. It is okay to feel angry at the systems that have reinforced these norms.
4. It is okay for you to take space from those who expect everything from you. it is your life, it is your body, and it is your mind.
If we do not begin to push back and question these rules that have been placed upon us, we will serve as blueprints for future Black girls and women who come after us to be treated the same. Maternalhood at such a young age should not be determined for us. It is our right to live a life free of the burden and responsibility of others and to enjoy our youth while we still have it. There is a time and a place for everything, in that time being a caregiver at the age of 14, is not then and will never be then.
My heart goes out to those who have felt this way, and I invite you to allow yourself to slowly lift this weight from your shoulders, whether it is by simply saying “no”, journaling about your frustrations, or seeking community from other Black women who experience this struggle.
You are not alone.
xo,
Syd
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